Virag's Movie Reviews: Battleship (2012)

Oh, baby!  Battleship sucked.  It was Michael-Bay-Transformers-4 bad.  At times, I thought that maybe Peter Berg was creating a vicious satire of a big, dumb, expensive, toy-based movie, but the film was so murderously stupid and so astoundingly sloppy that it was nothing but awful and inane.  Everything in the movie concerning the US Navy was risible, and the rest of Battleship felt stitched together out of bad scenes from other movies, threadbare Hollywood cliches, and barely warmed-over tripe.  I loved how the deep-space radio message had an inexplicable and impossible 6-year turnaround and that the alien ships were utter crap as ocean vessels and useless as aircraft with hilariously ungainly weapons and completely worthless tracking systems.  Good thing, cuz otherwise, the regular old US Navy would have lasted about 15 seconds into the encounter with the aliens.  Where exactly were the nuclear weapons on those navy ships?  This was a fucking alien invasion, and the only thing that saved the world was the blatant incompetence of the alien engineers and mission planners.  And the alien ships had windshields!  The space creatures were dumb enough to build stupid warships with a flying bridge and breakable, clear window right in front of the command and control stations!  Holy shit, that is so fucking dumb that it belongs in a JJ Abrams Star Trek flick!  Had Berg wished to make a corrosive parody of Michael Bay or JJ Abrams or some other talentless hack motherfucker's movies, he needed to be able to rise above the bottom of the bottom of the barrel.  And Liam Neeson was in it; I'm sure he laughed his balls off when he cashed that fucking check.