Kooler

It's Official: The Orville Is Better Than Star Trek Discovery

STD looks amazing, but it's not Star Trek.  The Orville, on the other hand, has the perfect amount of TNG-era retro cheese to be really fucking fun.  Discovery is insultingly dumb if it's supposed to be a Star Trek show.  Almost like the people who made it were fucking nimrods.

Winning Bigly With Chomp The Wonder Beaver

Dnovo on the warpath!  And to think the twits thought he was dead...

Winning Bigly With Tom Price! Soon To Be Winning Bigly With Ryan Zinke, Too Probably!!

Tom Price just might be sick of all the winning!  MAGA!  Price gave up a promising career as an evil shitstain to join Trump.  How'd that work out for him?  Repeal and replace!  MAGA!  I'd imagine Ryan Zinke will soon enjoy some bigly winning any time now.  This is some fun shit.  Trump wasn't simply content to kill the Republican Party with his petty fascism and preening incompetence, no, he needed to chop the whole fucking GOP into chunks and fuck the bloody viscera when he was finished with the skull holes...

Ruma

Unexpectedly Entertaining Rick Pitino News

Heh, indeedy.  Maybe this will be the start of the wholesale collapse of the NCAA scam.  Pretty fucking amazing that a guy like Pitino could be filleted so publicly.  Usually these big-time sports assholes are untouchable.  This is something actually making America a tiny bit better.  Who knew?

The GOP's Dreams

Boom'd

Winning Bigly With Roy Moore In Alabama! MAGA!

Trump gets cucked by a lunatic christian shitstick! MAGA! Bigly!  Trump is the biggest loser ever in America.  Sad!  An orange megacuck with a microscopic weener.  Thanks, Obama.

More Winning Bigly With Graham-Cassidy

Repeal and replace! Are you tired of all the winning yet?  More winning bigly MAGA!  This is what winning looks like if you are lunatic fucktard Republican!

Mitch McConnell Is Winning Bigly Thanks To Trump's Leadership Genius

McConnell ain't tired of the winning!  Bigly!  Fuck no!  MAGA!  Trump's what a real leader looks like!  Finally a president with balls!  Ask McConnell!  He'll tell ya'!

Hole Lotta

Tip Top Twit Comprehension--Like A Reasonably Well-Informed Sixth Grader

That's how the twits roll; they're either the smarter of the sixth-graders or the nasty little dumbfuck sixth-graders.  MAGA!

Guided Buy

Richard Petty Has Never Been Mistaken For A Genuine Caltech Rocket Scientist

Instead, Petty is a wicked typical racist old white shithead!  Congrats, you suck Trump's scabrous little weener.  Fucking NASCAR redneck fucktard.

Yoof

Inbetween Day

4 Me

Ben Domenech And His Plargiarist Playground Are Just Making Shit Up On Health Care, Too

Some bubble-headed baby factory just happens to be a conservative because she grew up with Medicaid coverage?  Cool story, Ben.  I love how you just make shit up, Ben.  You have a great imagination there, Domenech.  You got a real future in fiction.  Keep it up. 

Bernie Would Have Won--This Is The Man The Dems Are So Scared Of

Getting some very positive coverage for his long-time foreign policy positions.  Fine, just fine.  But never forget the Dems were not willing to move a millimeter to left in order to defeat Trump and the other vile racist Republican scum.  Clinton and the Dems were so scared of Sanders...

No, THIS Is The Ugliest Bike Ever

If that fucking JB paint cost $1200 well, then, JB is evil and anyone dumb enough to pay for it should by all accounts be too stupid to remember to breath most days.  Fucking nasty.  If your bike has to look like that so you can ride it, please don't.

This Is The Least Heteronormative Artifact In Recorded History

Spaceman Faceman

Atrios Gets Kimmell, Atmo

Kimmell's sort of an unfunny, no-talent hack and douche friend of the execrable Adam Carolla and always will be, probably, but Sr. Duncan Black gets it just right when he says Kimmell is using his platform to fuck with Republicans--and that's is excellent.  The GOP has no problem with utterly destroying the already wretched health care infrastructure in this country, so a tee vee guy fucking up their bullshit is undoubtedly helpful. 

Cops Are Too Stupid And Cowardly To Be Trusted With Guns

Disarm the police!  It's long past time for the USA to follow the lead of more civilized nations and take the guns away from the cops.  Most police officers are not brave or intelligent enough to be trusted with firearms in their routine police work.  Save lives.  Take the guns.

Sunshine

Twits V Junkies: So Happy Together

Twits, meet junkies.  Say hello, junkies.  Hello, junkies.  Heh, indeedy.  This is some fun shit.  A real New York story.  Jesus, the twits are as useless as the junkies mostly.  Mostly.

In The Land Of Twee

Pedroia's Ball Off The Face Might Be The Single Greatest Event In American History

Just when you thought nothing could MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!  Thank you jeebus.  You truly love the fuck outa us.

Love Doll

Charles Payne, Ruh Roh

What's it gonna take to get that piece of shit off the air and in jail where he belongs?  Regardless, this is an important escalation in the war on Fox "News" so if nothing else we all should be happy about that particular facet of this horrible story.  Payne was clearly at least as big a piece of shit as Ailes, O'Reilly, and father of the year runner-up Eric Bolling.  As a matter of fact, Payne fits right in with the most favorite Fox "News" blahs like Herman Caine and Bill Cosby and Clarence "Uncle" Thomas.  Family values, fuck yeah...

Forever War

How Fucking Low Are You When, Like Ta-Nehisi Coates, Even Josh Marshall Can Figure Out You're A Dipshit

Marshall ain't exactly the sharpest knife on the christmas tree or the brightest bulb in the picnic basket, but even he can see, and more importantly and interestingly is willing to say in public if even in the most tepid, cowardly fashion imaginable, what has been clear for a long time: Ta-Nehisi Coates is shallow and full of shit.  The rock-ribbed reactionary political/media establishment picks winners and anoints certain individuals--often inbred, upper-class zeroes with impeccable connections like, say, a George Packer, or striving shameless boot-lickers like Marcos Moulitsas--with influence and relevance not in spite of but mostly because they are facile idiots who are not capable of any truly dangerous thoughts or possessing of any remarkable talents.  Coates is one of those guys, black division.  Hey, it's great work that pays amazingly well, and Marshall's been lugging that piss bucket around for fucking decades himself, but when Josh Marshall pegs you as a clown, well, delete you account, fuckface.

Gods Damn The Twits Now And 4Evah, Amens

The stench of privilege and the wrank ignorance of the fuckface Serotta twits are unbounded.  Fuck, the USA is doomed.

Flying High

Meanwhile, It's Been A Fun Coupla Days For The Breitbart Assholes

You fucked up. You trusted us.  Heh, indeedy.  This is good shit.  Those poor racist bagger shitbirds are all butthurt and crying because Trump has about as much loyalty to them as he's ever had to any of his underlings.  Fucking loverly. 

Armando Llorens Is Undoubtedly The Dumbest Motherfucker On Earth--Way More Crazy And Stupid Than Even Al Giordano

What a fucking nincompoop.  Hillary was shit.  Her debates were shit.  Armando and his big tent are full of shit.  And as someone noticed, THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE HILLARY LOST TO DONALD FUCKING TRUMP!  I'd imagine if you hire Llorens as your attorney, you feel wonderful about his sparkling intellect, incisive judgement, and winning history.  Whoever is lapping up the piss at Daily Kos is certainly not sick of winning yet.  Jesus, Hillary's people are fucking pond scum.  A vile neoliberal shitstain like Llorens should just go full-on ocean-going fucktard and start making flat Earth and moon landing hoax videos.  That'd be more useful than what he's done with his life so far.

Never Far Away

Oh, No, Grant Hart, Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

FUCK.  This is fucking awful.  Because reasons, Bob Mould has become one of the major American song writers, but Mould and so many others would not be who and what they are without Grant Hart.  That motherfucker shoulda lived to be a thousand fucking years old so that he could have gone on being Grant Hart when we needed him most.  This loss cuts deeper than many will know...

The Real Foundation For A Better Life And A Better America

Pro Tip: Deranged Idiots Don't Have A Real Firm Grasp On Temperature And Density

Don't tell these fucking morons, but the thermosphere is part of space--the ISS orbits there--so there's not nearly enough matter to transmit heat--or sound.  Jesus, right-wing whackjobs are really fucking dumb.

Ted Cruz Yanks It To Mommy Porn With An Actress Who Looks Like A Prettier Version Of His Wife

That's not creepy or anything.  I wonder if he liked the part with the "stepmom" "incest"  the best?  Good times never end for family values Republicans.  Praise jesus.

Disney Will Make Damn Sure There's Never Another Good Star Wars Movie

Empire was it, kids.  Abrams is the absolute worst choice, because of course they had to pick the saddest no-talent hack in all of entertainment.  Of course.  Seth MacFarlane would have been a better choice.  Hell, even Opie would have squeezed his few drops of talent into it guaranteeing professional workmanlike boring film-ish product.  Jesus.

'The Orville' Is Pretty Fucking Good

For what it is, which is big-budget Star Trek: The Next Generation fanfic.  The show looks good, and it hits shitloads of the ST:TNG notes for better or worse.  Seth MacFarlane's not getting any benefit of the doubt from any of the hopeless fanboy losers, even the ones who aren't boys, because, well, he's that offensive low-brow sexist bastard Seth MacFarlane, and he's getting to live the ultimate dream, namely being the Captain of a starship.  Of course all the shitheads trashing the show are jelly as fuck.  Is the show great?  Nope.  But it's okay, and way better than it should be.  Much of TNG was fucking awful, too--and not just the first few episodes--but nobody remembers that now or is willing to admit it, anyway.

Jesus Fucking Christ, Jerry Pournelle Was A Vile Reactionary Piece Of Shit, A Less Talented Heinlein And Without The Creepy 'Charm'

Pournelle wrote a few major SF works with Larry Niven--who is also problematic as hell--but Pournelle was neither a great writer or very intelligent.  He was a narrow-minded and simple-minded disgusting fascist, though, so there's that.  Hell, Niven looks positively clever and sane compared to Pournelle, and nobody on the planet should be singing his praises now that he's dead.  Heinlein shared many loathsome characteristics with Pournelle, but at least Heinlein had the excuse of being an addle-headed sex pervert, so that made him amusing in a sick sort of way at times.

The Lowest Scum Of The Earth Are Fundamentalist Catholics

They are the face of true evil in the world.  Yes, it's fun to point and laugh at their insanity, but these creepy perverts and fools do real harm for too many poor and ignorant people around the world.  Until this dread disease of ignorance, superstition, and bigoted hatred is obliterated, all hope for progress will be in vain.  In that way it is too bad that the evil men who imagine such a wretched and petty god are free to poison our society. 

Political Song for John McCain to Sing

McCain Divines A Slap At His Jeebus-Fellating Teabagging Fellows

The divine quip was a wry little insult considering that none of the teabaggers in Congress or out will ever get it--even if somebody stood there in front of them for hours with a flip chart and multiple colors of Sharpie.   I guess he's feeling frisky in death.

In The Movie

Joe Paterno Was As Big A Fucking Bastard As You Thought

Paterno let children be raped to protect his stupid football empire at the Pennsyltucky Vatican.  To bad hell isn't real, cuz Joe Pa is certainly someone who deserved to be skull fucked by barbed demon cocks for all eternity. 

HamNo Groks Amazon Atmo

Like he said, not exactly groundbreaking original thinking, but still.  Amazon should do what it wants for its business but should not want or need the taxpayers to support them.  Unfortunately, that's not the way exceptional America works.  In America, the richest get the most welfare because jesus.

Suhmah

For Once The NFL MAGA

Very rare that the NFL delivers any good news to a dying America.  But they did.  Who knew?  Any day the Patsies lose is an exceptional day for an exceptional land.  Don't expect the good news to last, but certainly relish it while you can fellers.

Eric Bolling MAGA!

Fox "News" is draining their own personal swamp.  That's pretty fucking exceptional.  Dick pics MAGA!

Goin'

Lee Papa Shows What's Wrong With Dems, Again

If mundane centrist and center-right establishment Dems can't see what is so fucking disgusting about Peter Daou, well, they really can't be trusted with much, can they?  Clinton fucked up mightily for decades, but her latest fuck-up in endorsing Daou's gay little neoliberal shitpost site is as bad as anything she's ever done.  SHE lost to Trump, needing the support of entire cadre of imbeciles and the wealth of the Democratic Party to undo the man who would have won.  Had she done what was best for her party, her voters, and her country, SHE would have worked to help Sanders defeat Trump with such fury that the House and Senate would not be as horrible as they are now.  THAT would have been the work of a true patriot and loyal Democrat.  Funny that she wasn't willing to that and that she and her supporters like Papa were willing to lose to Trump rather than support anyone even 1cm to the left.  Better to lose to Trump than to win with Sanders is the only rule for fools like Daou.  And unfortunately Papa.

Every Exceptional American Rugged Bootstrappin' School Lunch Should Be Included, But Good On NYC

Helping to rocket American society into the 20th century!  It's about time the somewhat decent political folks out there started advocating for common sense, and de Blasio should be credited with joining that elite group.  Even better than food for kids just as good as food for kids is that shit like this drives the Randian fuckstains absolutely fucking insane.  Heh, indeed.

Beautiful Fucking Trump, Violating The GOP's Corpse

That magnificent stupid bastard is skull-fucking whatever's left of the Republican Party carcass for our entertainment!  Praise be to Donald Trump, the orange god-emperor of calamitous fucktardery.

There's never been a more hilariously incompetent buffoon elected in our history.

Lucky No

HALP! The Guvmint And The New World Order Jews Are Making Hurricanes To Attack Teabaggers

It's pretty much fucking impossible to keep up with the nutjob right-wing conspiracy theories, but WHEN IS TRUMP GONNA SAVE US FROM THE HURRYCANES???  Surely Trump knows the sinister truth...

Drive, Motherfrakker

Tyler Perry Is The Nastiest No-Talent Unfunny Motherfucker On The Fucking Planet

Perry is a fucking cancer on our humanity.  Of course he sucks Joel Osteen's cock.  Of course.  Remember when he was in the execrable J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie and somehow made it even worse?  Fuck that loathsome cocksucker.

Vile Teabagging Nazi Shitheads Never Sleep

If jesus fucking christ truly loves us, the day when these disgusting fascists get flushed into the cesspool of history is close, very close.  Soon our people will be busy in the joyous labour of finishing the job of killing all the Nazis.

Off Soda

Just As Well Americans Truly Don't Embrace Sports Where Everyone Has A Weapon

Even ice hockey is only a "major" pro sport in the US, not a real major pro sport.  Popular American sports generally limit the number of weapons available, so hurling is probably something that we don't need more of here.  Like field hockey.  Lacrosse.  Bad ideas for exceptional Americans.

Write N Wrong

The Proles Don't Get Harvard No Matter What The Numbers

True legacy admits are only one of many discrete classes of advantaged individuals admitted to elite colleges/universities--and elite boarding schools as well.  Legacy is a big one.  Jared Kushner-style fathers are another.  Athlete.  Geographic diversity.  Other diversities.  Other other diversities.  Ability to pay.  If you think your smart, hard-working, A+ kid from anodyne, middle-class public middle school or public high school simply is competing for one of the total number of admits Yale or Harvard or St. Paul's or Exeter are handing out this year, you're fucking high.  There are maybe ten mundane A+ average/1500+ SAT type admits a year to schools like Harvard and Yale, with the elite boarding high schools very similar.  Math sez your kid ain't gettin' one.  Those places are not for the likes of you.  Statistically.