Don't Take The Kids To Subway!

Jared might eat them!  Or something much worse.  (Are kids low-fat if you leave off the cheese and mayo?)  It's always the case that these creepy weirdo stories about creepy weirdos used by some big stupid corporations to sell shit in faux-homey, retard Horatio Alger ways are way creepier than you suspect underneath--no matter how creepy they seem on their face, and formerly Christie-esque fat fuck Jard Fogle was always pretty fucking creepy.  Subway's sandwiches won't get better, but America will appreciate not having that disgusting pervert on their tee vees anymore during sports tee vee programs.  (Probably more money for Michael Phelps he can use for weed, as well.)  That's something.