Virag's Movie Reviews: Total Recall (2012)

Not really a remake, and not really a movie properly based on the original short story, with a screenplay co-written by the writer (and director) of one of the one of the worst movies ever made, Total Recall is an inane, joyless mess that makes the 1990 film look like Dr. Strangelove in comparison.  With a cast chock full of two-dimensional actors--Kate Beckinsale is especially atrocious here, and if possible, worse than usual--saddled with a zero-dimensional script, the film does nothing other than annoy the viewer by forcing them to fondly recall the genius that Ronny Cox, Rachel Ticotin, and the always-watchable Michael Ironside displayed in the original.  Why the fuck would you take the Mars part out?  That was the best thing about the original story.  Nobody associated with this production had the slightest idea what they were doing or what the movie was supposed to be about.  The film has the Canadian-cheapy look to it, like an episode of Stargate SG-1 or Copper.  Except of course, those tee vee shows are at least somewhat entertaining.  Terrible, shitty, loathsome.  Nothing in the film is good: the direction is incompetent; the script is idiotic; the casting's a crime; and the acting is unbearable.  PG-Fucking-13.  For what it's worth, the original film, with an actual actor in the lead, and a refined, PKDian script, could be really awesome.